The great pepper disaster of 2023

Last year, come pickle season, we made some wonderful pickled bell peppers (the local sort), courtesy of Ms. Slav the Elder who has a lot of wonderful pickle recipes. We loved them so much we only ate them sparingly so they would last longer. That’s how good they were.

Naturally, when at the start of this year planting decisions were made, bell peppers were first on the list. Along with sweet red peppers. And some chilis. Also а local green pepper variety that does amazingly well in salads or on its own, stuffed with white cheese or just roasted lightly and seasoned. We, in short, had pepper plans.

Following advice from the 1980s gardening book and several specialised websites, we put seeds in seedling pots right when the experts said, which was in February. When March entered its third third, we began to lose hope those seeds would ever sprout, so we planted another round on top of them. Of course, you know what happened then.

The weather turned and we were reminded what natural warmth felt like. Seeds sprouted like nobody’s business. We were happy and already anticipating the rich crop of bell peppers, Sivrias, and chillis. Well, some crop, at least, if we were being honest.

In April, we moved the seedlings to larger pots. The book and the agri experts warned that moving the seedlings is a highly stressful experience for peppers. We all learned something new that day.

Irina: I added that to the list of reasons I don’t like peppers very much. They’re way too capricious for my taste.

Cris: They are turning out to be surprisingly tough to grow.

And that was only the beginning. The move (to special, fertiliser-enriched soil, soft like feathers) did not seem to disturb the peppers except they continued growing with painful slowness. While the broccoli happily sprouted true leaf after true leaf, for peppers it felt like every single leaf required energy they did not have and could not produce.

They were in a light, reasonably warm place. They were watered regularly and not excessively. They were being additionally fed a yeast-based fertiliser. They had everything. And they took their sweet time putting out leaves not just slowly but sparingly.

Experts say pepper plants must have between six and eight true leaves to be ready for their permanent residence. The most energetic of our plants have four. The chilis have a couple each and these are chilis — people grow them in flower pots! The Sivrias also have two or three at most. And that’s after a total of close to four months in the soil. What gives?

We’ve concluded that peppers are the divas of the gardening world. We thought it was tomatoes but no, tomatoes are growing happily and without any problems. Peppers are just the worst. They’re like the most insufferable of children — picky eaters, picky sitters, picky everything that is not even vocal to tell you what it wants, and that’s the worst part.

We, however, are worse. We are not giving up. The peppers can take all the time they need. We are in no rush. They are in pots and these pots can be moved around easily. They are now outside 24/7. It’s warm enough, it’s sunny, occasionally rainy to freshen things up — their environment is perfection itself.

In fairness to our divas, there have been some results from that exposure to perfection. One Sivria died. The rest graced us with a new leaf, however tiny, each. The most stubborn chilis put out their first true leaves. They are, of course, quite microscopic but apparently, the evil, leave-stingy, miserly peppers couldn’t stop them from unfolding.

There is one pretty promising candidate for sweet red peppers and one for bell peppers. We might get a couple of actual fruit yet. Maybe. Hopefully. Weather permit. And if the peppers feel like cooperating, of course. If they somehow get to the stage of “Oh, okay, fine, I’ll grow, now leave me alone.”

We are counting on pushing them to that stage. Because for every villain or passive annoyer there are always bigger villains and very active annoyers. And we have learned important lessons, the biggest of which was “Next year, get the seedlings from the market.”

P.S. We’re not putting up any pictures of the peppers because they don’t deserve to be in pictures and we can be very vindictive when we want to be.